In a surprisingly intimate extension of its brand identity, Buick has announced an all-new product line that no one saw coming – condoms. Dubbed the “Exceptional By Design” series, Buick’s new line of condoms draws direct inspiration from its vehicle trim level cadence.
“Now, you can bring the same level of luxury, comfort, and performance you expect from Buick – to the bedroom,” said Rob Rubberfoot, Buick’s new Lead Designer of Contraceptives. “We wanted to bring the Buick experience to every part of life, whether you’re merging into traffic or merging into something a little more personal, Buick’s got you covered – with three shields, no less.”
The new condom line includes three specific “trim levels”:
- Sport Touring (Red): Crafted for those who enjoy an evening of spirited and fast-paced fun, the ST line incorporates textured edges and performance-grade materials, and is built for those who don’t lift until redline.
- Preferred (White): The balanced choice. Engineered for smoothness and mutual satisfaction, the Preferred trim offers enhanced lubrication, all-around comfort, and is said to deliver “a truly compliant ride.”
- Avenir (Blue): The pinnacle of personal luxury. Ultra-thin, whisper-quiet, and almost imperceptible, Avenir aims to deliver a weightless, effortless, cloud-nine experience. This one’s for those who expect nothing but the best in form, function, and premium touchpoints.
All variants are adorned by the brand’s updated Tri-Shield logo, prominently featured on the wrapper for instant brand recognition, even in the dark. The packaging also signals added benefits like triple coating, pinpoint performance, fluid dynamics, and segment-leading traction control.
According to GM Authority sources, a potential fourth trim, nicknamed the Wildcat, is still in early development, but has yet to pass the final round of safety tests.
The new Exceptional By Design line of condoms is available now at high-end pharmacies and premium glove boxes nationwide.
And oh yeah, Happy April Fools’ Day!
Comments
I just spit up my bourbon reading this. Thanks Jonathan for the laughs… but now I’m short a solid sip of this expensive drink thanks to you.
Happy April FOOOOLs you fools!
That was very well done… thanks for the laughs Mr. Lopez.
What made someone think of that?😏
How much are they, $2.25?
My Buick in High School was a lot bigger….
The Sport Touring Red would look good on the top of tRump’s head, ( instead of his MAGA cap) but then again maybe the blue would look better with all that orange. After all today is April FOOL’S day.
The Preferred’s “truly compliant ride” was a nice touch…
“Wouldn’t you rather have a Buick??”
😳😉😁😂 Happy April fools day. Hilarious! That definitely caught my attention. Finally, the best post yet from GM Authority.
“When better condoms are built, Buick will build them”
Or maybe, “Substantial, Distinctive, Powerful & Mature”
DynaRide was the Self-Leveling Air Suspension system offered starting in 1988 on select Buick models and then on All Buicks in the 90’s. This post was Hilarious but this also makes me think of DynaRide. Instead it could be DynaGlide. That Smooth and Floaty Buick Ride.
All Buicks also now also have QuietTuning which isolates noise from the outside which makes the inside of Buicks library quiet.
Don’t stop there Buick…
How about an Electra for the single folk? There could even be multiple options:
– G(Love Box)
– Premium HeadLiner
– Pole Position
– I’m sure that there could be more
Of course it’s EV
V not being Vehicle
But the only shape Buick designers know is that of a SUV. The fit is going to be terrible!
So, are these also made in China and South Korea like most of Buick’s vehicles!?! This just proves that Buick and GM are all f@#ked up! Fire Mary and get some real leadership that will build Buicks in America. Please, no more products like this and let’s eliminate what my WW2 Veteran Dad would call “pissy assed foreign tin cans with an American nameplates slapped on them”. We can do better! Lets have Buicks with no tariffs to raise the price.
Well done!!
Are you Fxxxing Shxxing me.